It’s been some time since my accident (8 months to be more precise). If you’ve read my other blog entries and been my friend then you know what happened that day. Why am I bringing this up again? Because I’ve been thinking about things and all that I went through, I realized there were a few things I learned coming out of this and I want to write it down for anyone that might be going through it or need someone to connect to to see that they are not alone. As cliched as this saying goes, when it storms it eventually has to stop and the sun will come out, we just have to persevere through the storm first (as they say “when in hell, keep going”).
Lesson 1: It’s okay to ACTUALLY cry (and be emotional), but don’t get stuck there too long.
I was an emotional wreck. Not that I’ve haven’t been in the deepest recesses of my mind before, and thankfully it wasn’t AS bad as then, but I was still in a dark place. Everything just felt… Bad. I couldn’t bathe myself, I couldn’t take fucking piss on my own, I couldn’t make my own food. I was lost, broken, vulnerable and mostly I hated myself for being weak. I’m not the type to ask for help, it was never in my nature to have others do things for me rather I always just relied on myself and asking for help was a sign of weakness. All of a sudden I couldn’t even do the most basic things in my life. I felt useless and hated the fact that all I had worked for, working out for strength/confidence and getting better at riding, went to naught in a matter of seconds.
My emotions fluctuated constantly during my healing months leaving me happy then angry and depressed the next minute. There was a plethora of things that went south that accumulated, I became physically weak, my adult acne came back in a horrendous assault on my face from medications AND my broken arm had broken out in boils and puss from eczema due to being in a cast too long. I felt stuck and thought I was going to be here forever in this miserable moment.
Then there was a moment when I was trying my hardest to do physical therapy at home, my arm looked all messed up and wouldn’t turn the way I wanted it to and suddenly everything just became too much and I cried and I mean ACTUALLY cried. It was one of these really deep sobbing moments (even though I had already cried multiple times before, but this one was one of those legit ones where it feels like you’re crying out your soul). I cried REALLY hard, but I felt SO much better after as if there was a huge stone that was lifted from my heart and shoulders. It was definitely something I really needed.
When things go bad, it might feel like you’ll be stuck there forever, but you won’t. Things do get better eventually and I am glad I came out of that dark hole of misery with the help of some really amazing friends and family.
Lesson 2: Surround yourself with positive people.
Especially if you’re a cynical pessimist like me who looks at the world in the worst case scenario. Let their light and positivity guide you to a better place or else you’ll drown yourself. If you have people that love you, it’s not just you you’re affecting, but them as well.
Lesson 3: Never assume.
Originally not so much of a life lesson, rather it pertained to riding, but I realized one could apply this lesson to life as well. It was because I was momentarily presumptuous that I almost killed myself on October 2nd 2016. DO NOT EVER ASSUME. The public road is a massive concept of thousands of freeways and roads along with BILLIONS of choices made and brains at work. It’s VAST AS FUCK and assuming someone is going to do something the way you thought they were going to do it can cost you your life because there’s just not enough to cover the margin of error and change in the other person’s decision making.
In my case, I assumed the driver wasn’t going to cross double yellow doing an illegal U-turn because he was in such a huge truck and the road was so small I thought he knew better. I was so wrong and when I realized it it was already too late and it cost me literally an arm and leg (temporarily, but not being able to do things for 4 months still sucked).
Lesson 4: Don’t tell someone in a bad situation that “someone else has it worse”.
While true, one should also try to understand the other person’s perspective first rather than telling them it’s not worth noting. It became one of the things I really disliked when people would want me to brush my incident off like it was nothing/not a fucking big deal because “some people have it worse than you”. You know what, at that current moment- my life felt pretty terrible and it sucked from my perspective. So fuck all them people saying it’s not a fucking big deal, it was to me.
Lesson 5: There’s no right or wrong, everything is about understanding.
There was a part of me that wanted to make sure my parents never found out about what happened, although eventually I compromised that I was going to tell my parents only after I had gotten better rather than hide it. I was thinking “what they don’t know won’t hurt them”. Why? Because I can only imagine what parents would feel like (especially the mothers) if they saw their child in the hospital, bloody and broken. It would’ve shattered their hearts, my cousin alone was crying when he visited me at the hospital. I wanted to protect them from that, from the heartache.
I’m not trying to justify lying to my parents (they were definitely upset when they found out that I didn’t tell them the day it happened LOL). Sometimes, children don’t say things not just for the sake of trying to cool/rebel or hiding some terrible secret, but rather to do good as well as other well-intended reasons and we ought to try and understand where they’re coming from. To them, the decision wasn’t wrong or incorrect because they did it to protect, a right reason in their perspective. Instead of blaming and pointing fingers on things that weren’t done, talk and understand. If I had to do it again, I still would’ve chosen not to tell my parents when it had happened.
When you’re so used to taking a lead and control of your life and making decisions on your own, relying on someone might be a difficult task as it was for me (and still is). I was really surprised by genuine kindness from bonds that humans make with each other. The way they help each other just because and not wanting anything in return was eye-opening because I always felt like if someone helped me I owed a debt to them. I’m still grasping at that idea, but there are surprisingly more to humans than what I give them credit for. Definitely one of the bigger lessons I learned from all of this.